God, I'm trying to manage it all again.

I'm growing tired of trying to "manage" it all again. I can feel it in my bones. I'm afraid of so much, and I'm trying to manage so many people's perceptions of me. People's good perceptions feel necessary for my survival. Life is starting to feel like an endless series of requirements, and everyone is requiring something different from me. It's too much to carry. I can't be everything that everyone wants me to be.

There is an element of truth in this. Everyone I meet does want me to be something, or want something from me, or want something for me. Even if it's just for a fleeting moment. This is the nature of the broken world we live in; we almost never enjoy each other as we are.

This leads me to a couple of insights.

1. I can learn to prioritize. Growing in trust and love of God is first, being a good husband and father is second, everything else is third.
2. God's care of me is not dependent on my performance. I do not need to manage his perception of me. I am taken care of and will have all that I need because he loves me. God is managing my life for me.

Finally, to practice these insights I can:

1. Practice Contemplative Prayer. It’s how I practice letting go with my heart and letting God manage my life. It's where I turn my heart, soul, body, and mind over to God on a regular basis.
2. Take a walk and talk to God. It’s how I can practice a little bit of solitude in the midst of my normal day.
3. Call a friend. I can call my spiritual director, or one of my close friends. I can actually believe them when they tell me they like to hear from me. 
4. Tell my wife and kids I love them today. Being as present as I can be when I'm with them. That's, currently, the best I can do for them.

‍