I was carrying a bag of hornets over my head, and they were angry! But I couldn’t help myself, I just kept poking the bag, until it broke!

…Okay, not a literal bag of hornets, but that’s how I describe my experience with anxiety. My head is often full of fearful thoughts and I can’t seem to stop ruminating on them. Making them bigger and bigger, angrier and angrier. Eventually I can’t contain them anymore and they break out into a panic attack.

Wouldn’t it be nice if I could get some distance from that bag!?

That’s the skill of “disentangling” that I’ve been practicing for a while now. It’s a simple concept. My normal mode is to be completely wrapped up with my thoughts and feelings—It’s like there’s no difference between me and the thoughts and feelings I’m having. Disentangling is noticing and allowing there to be some space between me and my feelings.

Try this little exercise, and I think you’ll get it. Pick a mildly troubling thought or feeling you often have. Don’t pick the biggest and the baddest; let’s start small. For me it’s that slight anxiety I often feel first thing in the morning. Notice what it feels like in your body to feel that feeling, and say the following sentences out loud. Start by saying “I feel _______.” Now say, “I am having the feeling of _______.” Now say, “I notice that I’m having the feeling of _______.”

What did you experience? I notice some distance develop between me and the feeling. The feeling is something I have, not something I am. It comes and goes of its own accord. It’s not permanent or directly under my control. This little bit of space is a game changer for me. Disentangling myself from the emotion gives me a bit of breathing space in which I can choose how I want to act next. I’m no longer so tangled up with the emotion that it controls me. And I don’t have to get rid of the emotion before I move forward.

Here’s another way to experience what I mean. Pretend your hands represent all the thoughts and feelings you have that race through your mind and body at any given moment. Now cover your face with both hands (you might have to peek through your fingers to keep reading :). This state represents being totally “fused” with your thoughts and feelings. Notice how hard it is to see and breathe. Notice how hard it is to do anything meaningful. With your hands plastered to your face, you can barely read this article let alone play with your kids, hold your spouse's hand, or do basic tasks.  When we’re so wrapped up in our thoughts and feelings like this we’re kinda stuck.

Now, drop both hands and put them palms up in your lap. This represents defusing from our thoughts and feelings. Notice that your thoughts and feelings are still present. You can still see your hands. They aren’t gone. You're just not totally wrapped up in them. Notice how much easier it is to see what’s important, to breathe, to do something meaningful like hold your baby or do that project.

It’s important to note how different this method is from trying to combat or battle my thoughts and feelings. Doing that just wraps me up more tightly in them. Disentangling or defusing from them is the opposite. Instead of trying to get rid of my negative feelings, I let them do their thing while I do mine. It’s like we’re on a bus together. They are going to come along for the ride; I can’t stop that, but I don’t need to let them drive!  

What’s more, with a little bit of space, I can ask, “are these thoughts and feelings useful right now?” Sometimes they are. Sometimes my anxiety, for example, motivates me to stop procrastinating and get things done! So, when my thoughts and feelings are helpful I can use them. When they aren’t, I can let them come and go of their own accord, and go about my life engaging in things that are important to me.

It’s incredibly liberating to realize that I don’t have to feel better before I engage in meaningful activity. I don’t have to stop feeling anxious, or sad, or angry, or whatever. I am not my feelings. I am in the driver’s seat. My thoughts and feelings are passengers, and however unruly they may be, I don’t have to let them drive!

Want to learn more about this and other helpful skills? Check out The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris.